Is it normal to resent your husband after having a baby?
You read all the books, completed your prenatal class, and created your birth plan. You were sure you covered all your bases and felt prepared for anything your new baby might throw (up) your way.
But there’s one thing you weren’t warned about and didn’t expect—the negative feelings you now have toward your husband after bringing your sweet little bundle home.
Is it normal to resent your husband after having a baby?
You might feel guilt over how you’re feeling. After all, shouldn’t the birth of a child bring a married couple even closer together?
As much as you may have hoped for a Hallmark-worthy picture of wedded bliss with a new baby, it’s actually extremely common for a relationship to struggle in the postpartum period. In fact, many couples report diminished levels of happiness after the birth of their baby.
Why are these feelings so common?
So why is the mere sight of your beloved husband suddenly sending you into a rage? Here are a few likely culprits:
Sleep deprivation
The chronic exhaustion that hits new parents doesn’t only leave you with dark circles under your eyes—it also leaves you irritable and impatient over just about everything. A dirty dish in the sink or a basket of unfolded laundry can suddenly send you over the edge—and the recipient of this fatigue-filled rage is often your partner.
Isolation
With mothers typically at home with a newborn and fathers back at work, these very different roles can cause each parent to feel alone and misunderstood. Each person may feel that their situation is “worse” or harder than their spouse’s, and this can quickly lead to resentment.
Identity shift
The transition from a married couple without kids to parents with an infant is a huge one. Overnight, your entire focus shifts to keeping your baby alive—and shifts away from keeping your relationship alive. With very little (or no) time to enjoy each other’s company, it’s easy to drift apart from your husband.
What can you do to fix the situation between you and your spouse?
Although it’s normal to resent your husband after having a baby, there are things you can do to get your marriage back on track.
Couples therapy
A couples therapist or marriage counsellor can help you and your spouse reconnect and work through the issues you’re experiencing. Even just a few sessions can make a tremendous difference in getting you to see yourselves as part of the same team instead of adversaries.
Switching roles
If possible, arrange your parental leave so that your husband is home for part of the leave while you’re at work. Even if you can’t split the time 50/50, a short period of role reversal will help both of you feel less resentful about the division of labour in your marriage.
Practice empathy
You might feel that you’re the only one who’s exhausted and suffering, but it’s a good idea to consider your partner’s experience, too. What stresses might he be facing, both at home and at work? Try to validate his experience and ask him to do the same for you. Remember that you’re both in this together.
Plan time for each other
Prioritize spending time together, even when it feels impossible to do so. Stream your favourite tv show when baby is asleep, or grab the stroller and take a walk together while you chat about your day. You might not have time yet for a full-fledged date night (but if you do, go for it!) but small moments together will still make an impact.
Keep communication lines open
It’s tempting to shut down and ignore the growing resentment you feel toward your husband, but closing off communication will only make things worse. Tell your partner how you feel. Forgo the passive-aggressive digs and be clear about your expectations. And when you need your husband’s help—ask for it.
Remember that this phase won’t last forever, even though it might feel like it right now. With time, you and your husband will get into a groove—and get your groove back.
Still struggling or want to explore how a therapist can help? Get in touch to learn how we can support you.
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.