What Every Parent Needs to Know About Bonding With Their Baby
There is a myth in our society that bonding with your baby should happen immediately and spontaneously. Yet that is not a reality for many parents who then may feel embarrassed or ashamed that they are not meeting this imagined ideal.
In fact, not feeling bonded right away is not a reflection of any mother-baby bonding problems (or father-baby bonding problems) but simply the reality of bonding; it is something that builds over time through many moments of care and attuned communication between infant and child.
In fact, studies indicate that between 25-and 35% of new parents report not falling in love immediately with their baby. Yet by 6 months of age, the majority of women report feeling bonded with their babies. So we can see that it is normal for this process to take time and not a cause for concern if it does not happen right away
Let’s just take a moment to define what bonding is; it is often mistakenly confused with the term attachment but the distinction is important. Bonding is about the way you as a parent feel towards your baby, it’s that feeling of unconditional love, connection, and warmth.
Attachment on the other hand refers to one aspect of the parent-child relationship The overall way that you or other regular caregivers respond to and interact with your infant will create a working model of relationships in your child’s mind.
For example, if you are generally responsive, sensitive, caring, and read your baby’s cues appropriately, then your baby will come to expect that both from you and likely from others in future relationships. Your infant will form a different attachment relationship with all of his regular caregivers.
Whereas the quality of the attachment relationship between an infant and her caregivers is a great predictor of a child’s future social and emotional life, bonding has not been shown to be a predictor of any future aspect of an infant’s life.
Even with that said, it is of course important for caregivers to feel a sense of bondedness with their baby. Feeling that sense of love and warmth towards our babies helps us as caregivers to get through the sleepless nights and repetitive acts of caregiving that infant care requires. It’s what makes it all feel worth it.
So in sum, we know that feeling bonded with our baby matters and we also know that it takes time to develop. For some women, the feeling of bondedness with their baby began before birth with a growing connection between mother and child during pregnancy. For many others, that feeling of bondedness will develop with time and that is not a cause for concern.
Let’s break down what science tells us about what likely influences bonding with our baby:
Oxytocin, a hormone and chemical messenger in the brain surges during pregnancy and after childbirth. It is believed to play a role in helping us to forget some of the pain of childbirth and heightens our responsiveness to our baby-making us feel more rewarded when a baby shows pleasure and more distressed when our baby shows signs of distress. Oxytocin levels increase when we are touching or nursing our baby. Oxytocin is sometimes nicknamed the ‘cuddle hormone’ because of the role it is thought to play in bonding. It increases when humans have sex, gaze into the eyes of each other, and even during pleasant social interactions. So nursing, skin-to-skin touch and even gazing into our baby’s eyes, are all acts that are thought to increase oxytocin and help to bond.
In addition to touch, simply caring for your baby over time, and getting to know her can help with bonding. Just like most of us did not fall immediately in love with our partners, so too for many of us with our little ones it will not happen at first sight.
While for most parents, bonding will occur naturally over time, there are things that can interfere with our ability to feel bonded with our baby.
Postpartum depression interferes with our brain chemistry and can make us experience a low mood over time, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and a lack of enjoyment in things that we normally would enjoy (like the growing relationship with our baby) and can negatively affect bonding
The good news is that postpartum depression treatment can help to alleviate symptoms of postpartum depression. For many women, seeing a skilled mental health therapist for postpartum depression counselling who is trained in perinatal mental health can alleviate symptoms while for others, therapy plus medication is needed. It’s also important to note that not all mothers suffering from postpartum depression will have bonding difficulties
Burnout and exhaustion can also interfere with our ability to bond with our baby. If you are feeling so exhausted- we all know that new parent sleep deprivation is very real- then that may be getting in the way of feeling that bond. Remember, moms were not meant to raise kids solo. Reach out to others in your support network and community to see how you can get help to get more sleep or to help alleviate burnout.
If you are reading this and don’t feel bonded with your baby yet, remind yourself that it will develop with time. If you think that you may be experiencing postpartum depression or feel so exhausted or overwhelmed, please reach out for support. Let your care provider know or reach out to a trained mental health expert in your area.
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.