5 Tips For Thriving With A Baby
1. Be a Good Enough Mother
Having a baby is exhausting work challenging you in many different facets of your life and in a way that is impossible to imagine until you experience it first hand. Add to that the glossy image that our society presents to us of what motherhood ‘should’ look like and it can make the day-to-day reality feel that much harder. A good dose of managing your expectations (cue the ‘lowered expectations’ jingle for all you mid-90 moms out there) and your experience can feel just a little bit more manageable. Clearly, it won’t stop your baby’s colic or reduce the seemingly incomprehensible number of poops that come out of this tiny human, but it can help to ease some of the psychic frustration that adds to the many real challenges. This might mean giving your baby formula even if this was not part of your original plan, letting your baby cry for a few minutes so you can take that very long overdue shower or simply forgoing that shower (and discovering the magical world of dry shampoo). Whatever it is, practise letting go of the ‘should and must statements’ of imagined motherhood and allow yourself to ease into the reality of the good enough mother. Remember that just by showing up lovingly for your baby most of the time, you are doing great in the face of a really challenging-the-clock job.
2. Ask for Help
Our current North American culture is a historic anomaly in that, for most of us, we are left to care for our babies alone, in small nuclear families as opposed to larger extended family or clan networks. Raising babies solo is a very demanding task and yet, for many mothers who have been raised to be independent women, and who have been successfully so in almost every life situation, find themselves struggling to cope with a tiny new human, can find this experience humbling at best, and a contributing factor to depression and/or anxiety at worst. Learning to ask for help is not an easy thing to do but giving yourself permission to acknowledge that it is both normal and ok to get assistance is a good skill that will serve you well as you move through the task of parenting first an infant and then a young child. Ask a friend to make you a meal, take your older child on an adventure or hold your baby so you can get a much needed nap. There is strength in being able to acknowledge that you would benefit from support and you are modelling for others that they can lean on you as well during challenging times. When asking for help be direct. Often people in your life really want to be a support to you but don’t quite know how. Take some time to figure out what it is that you actually need from others, and ask them directly. Most of the time, they will be happy to help and to not have to guess.
3. Buy Into Inspo Quotes
I'm not usually a sucker for inspirational quotes but I admittedly grew to appreciate the quote on a greeting card I received shortly after my son was born. It read "Inhale the Good Shit. Exhale the Bullshit” and, perhaps owing in some way to the amount that a new parent thinks, talks and cleans up poop, it spoke to me and I kept it pinned to my fridge for months.
At the time, I was struggling with trying to please others in my life (friends and family) around their needs and desires to spend time with my baby, and my own need for space and support to emerge into my role as a new mother. This message helped me to remember to try to let go and not get caught up in any negative judgement and to focus instead on the fact that people wanted to help and be involved in the baby’s life. This is not an easy task but taking time to just breathe when you find yourself triggered by those around you (perhaps that family member who is sharing unwanted baby advice), can help you to centre yourself and to let it go as you bring your awareness back to your baby.
4. Don’t make any big life decisions
“Whatever you do, don’t decide to get a divorce” my friend advised me just before I gave birth to my first child. What she meant was don’t get a divorce in the year after your baby is born. I later came to learn that she was describing a common phenomenon where previously happy couples, stretched to their limit and beyond sleep deprived consider this major move, however momentarily and often in the middle of the night. This holds true for any major decisions. Aside from the sleep deprivation, the hormone changes that your body experiences after giving birth is like having your period on speed. You can expect to be roiled by intense and fluctuating emotions due to the intense drop in estrogen and progesterone levels that occur after childbirth and are exacerbated by breastfeeding. Being able to remember that this hormonal hijacking is occurring and the low moods that can come with too little sleep will help you stay steady in the face of these emotional fluctuations.
5. Build a nest
Unlike other mammals, human babies are born with relatively underdeveloped nervous systems, an evolutionary compromise between the need to get them out of the womb before they are too large and the need to be sufficiently developed. That compromise is partially why caring for them is such a round-the-clock job. They are easily overstimulated and are soothed by simulation of the warm womb, wanting always to be held, swaddled, rocked and nursed. This intense care-taking coupled with the mother’s need to physically recover from childbirth, an uncomfortable (or even painful) and messy process, can make having friends and extended family dropping by for visits feel intrusive and unhelpful. Yet, I know so many women (myself included) who feel pressure to do so, worrying that it would be rude to deny this. Take charge of your post-birth process. Use the time to create a womb-like environment for you and your little one to not only recover but to bond without feeling the need to get dressed, cover up, or take care of any visitors. If there are people close to you whose help you can enlist to help you build that nest than go for it, but if you feel the need to put on your best face and host anyone else, then that can wait.
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.