The Mother Load (It’s Heavy Holding It, And It’s Time To Put It Down!
Unpacking the Mental Load: What Is It and What Can We Do About (In Three Steps)
**Not Simple, let’s be realistic here, but 3 steps nonetheless.
Let me tell you a story about the late justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg (who if any of you follow me on social, know that I’m a bit obsessed with).
When she was working as a young lawyer, she would get frequent calls from her son's school regarding his 'problematic' behaviour.
One day, after pulling an all-nighter working on a legal brief, she got such a call and she said to them, ‘this child has two parents. Please alternate calls. It’s his father’s turn.
She was already a successful lawyer, but the ‘work’ of dealing with her child’s behaviour was still expected to fall on her.
This is the mental load, also nicknamed the 'Mother Load' because it almost always falls on women.
It refers to all of the work that goes into running a household, from making sure there is enough toilet paper to managing the emotional needs and relationships in your family.
It is the accumulation of all of these tiny, invisible tasks, that, all together, create a large load to carry.
Does this sound familiar? Is this what happens in your home too? Message me and let me know!
Why does this matter?
It matters because as mothers, we are exhausted on every level!
The mix of sleep deprivation and stress that this extra load entails can lead us to be short with our kids and our partner, ironically undermining our very ability to show up in the way that we want in each moment for our kids.
At this point, I can basically see you nodding through your screens because I know you experience this!
What Can We do About It:
1. Individual Level:
How you talk to yourself matters.
This is about the stories that we tell ourselves about what mothering ‘should’ look like. These are the 'Myths of Motherhood'.
Anytime you say to yourself ‘I should be doing this (ie- 'I should be making home-cooked meals every night) it’s an indicator that there is some kind of myth of motherhood coming up.
If we want to unburden ourselves from the mental load, we need to first become aware of the stories we tell ourselves that we may have learned from our mothers, grandmothers, tv, social media… and then talk back to them.
Then ask ourselves, are there things we don’t need to be doing?
Take a moment now to reflect on your list of ‘should’ statements. Message me and let me know what they are for you!
2. Interpersonal Level (between you and your partner):
This part is how you communicate with your partner about what is going on for you.
Let's assume that your partner has the best intentions and doesn’t know all you do (much of this load is invisible after all).
Carve out a time to sit down and have a chat with your partner, where you approach them from a place of empathy and innocence (assuming they don’t have an understanding of all that you do).
Share this email with them to help them try and understand and then brainstorm together what makes sense in your family for them to take on (not so that you’re delegating it each time but so that they have ownership of it).
If it doesn’t go well (either because they are struggling to understand or you are feeling so resentful by now that you can’t convey it without it coming out as anger) then couples therapy may be beneficial.
*Note here if you are succumbing to one of the myths of couples therapy (that it’s only for those on the verge of divorce).
Even one or two sessions of couples therapy have been reported to make a difference.
Have you tried explaining the Mental Load to your partners? Message me to let me know!
3. Macro or societal Level:
The mental load of motherhood starts during maternity leave when we are home with our babies and start to take on the care of the babies, and then even as we re-enter the workforce, it never gets passed back.
There are also entrenched workplace values around who is expected to take time off work to stay with sick kids or take them to a doctor’s appt (if anyone has read the kid’s book 'Lama Lama Home With Mama' you know what I mean. Where’s the Lama Lama Home with Papa book?) **
*I do love this book and check out Ludacris rapping it.
What can we do?
We can advocate. Write to our local leaders for paternity leave. Support our male colleagues or employees to flex time for their kids. Have our husbands, fathers, brothers do the same!
We need to help change the conversation about fatherhood to change motherhood.
Ask your husband to take your kids to doctor's appointments and stay home with them when they're sick.
COVID is laying this bare with women (and not men) leaving the workforce in record numbers to care for their kids.
I know you are likely reading this because you are experiencing the mental load right now.
I'm here to support you through this journey. Let me know how you're doing and what you'd like to learn more about and share this with a friend who needs it too!
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.