I Hate My Life After Having a Baby—Is Something Wrong With Me?
I Hate My Life After Having a Baby—Is Something Wrong With Me?
It seems there’s no shortage of controversial topics around motherhood, but this one might be the most taboo of them all—hating your life after having a baby.
Not exactly an easy topic to drop into a casual chat with your friends.
We’re inundated with photoshopped images of put-together moms, holding their babies on their hips while they smile in their perfectly spotless kitchens (seriously, we’re not buying it). But reality looks a lot different from these curated images and we know that being a parent is much more complex than our Instagram feed would have us believe.
You might feel like something is wrong with you for not loving every second of your new life as a mom, but know that you’re not alone. Many mothers wrestle with feelings of regret and disappointment after having a baby. This doesn’t make you a monster or a terrible mother—it makes you an exhausted, overwhelmed human who just had their life turned upside down.
So what do you do about it, and where do you go from here?
Why some moms feel disappointed with motherhood
Motherhood can be extra tough for some new moms. Here are some reasons why.
Societal pressures
We live in a culture that glorifies parenthood and tells us it’s the path to happiness and fulfilment. This puts a lot of pressure on moms to feel completely fulfilled by motherhood—and when that doesn’t happen, guilt and shame often follow.
Unrealistic expectations
A lot of parents are afraid to share the messy realities of parenting, for fear of being judged. But hiding these harsh truths means that many new parents have unrealistic expectations of what life is like after having a baby, resulting in feelings of disappointment and resentment.
Rocky relationships
We know that having a child can cause a lot of friction among couples, which can make parents long for their pre-baby lives. Having a baby can also change the dynamic in friendships, and some new parents may mourn the loss of those close bonds.
Lack of support
Being a new mom can feel extremely lonely, and without a solid support system or community, the isolation can be tough to manage.
Mental health challenges
Mental health issues like depression and anxiety can increase after having a child. These types of negative feelings can make it hard to cope with the challenges of new motherhood, making you question your decision to have children.
Strategies for overcoming negative feelings towards motherhood
If you're struggling to adjust to the demands of motherhood, here are some coping strategies that may help you reframe your attitude.
Show yourself some compassion
Start by acknowledging that being a parent is hard work and, like with any new job, it will take time to feel settled in the role. Remind yourself that you’re learning as you go, and it's okay to make mistakes. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a good friend who’s struggling—be gentle and kind, and tell yourself you’re doing a great job. If you need some help finding positive words, try these mantras for new moms.
Remember: you’re not just a mom
Motherhood can be all-consuming and it’s easy to lose yourself amid all the piles of laundry. But remember that being a mom is only one part of your identity. Discover something that brings you joy and purpose, whether it's a new hobby or something you loved before you had kids.
Practice self-care
Feeling extra irritable and having a negative attitude about parenting can be a sign that we haven't taken care of ourselves. Treat yourself to a bit of self-care, whatever that might look like for you. Consider going for a walk with a friend, journaling, or taking a soothing bubble bath—anything that gives you some comfort.
Rewrite your definition of motherhood
Instead of comparing yourself to other moms or conforming to society's expectations, try tapping into your own values and beliefs. This might mean setting boundaries with family members or friends, ignoring unsolicited advice, and embracing the messiness of mom life. Recognize that there is no definitive "right" way to be a mother and be open to adapting and changing how you do things as you and your child grow.
I really hate my life after having a baby... how can I get help?
It’s normal to struggle with the transition of becoming a mother. But if you’re finding it exceptionally hard to cope, it’s important to ask for help.
Join a support group
Confiding in other moms who have the same feelings you do towards motherhood can be extremely validating. Ask your healthcare provider if they can suggest a local support group in the area. For virtual support, you can also check out Facebook parenting groups or do a quick Google search for other online options offered by mental health organizations and nonprofits.
Talk to your partner or someone you trust
It might feel uncomfortable to admit you’re unhappy to your partner, but being vulnerable and honest is important because it allows your partner to offer support they might not have realized you need. Open communication can also prevent resentment and improve your relationship. If you don’t have a partner, consider opening up to a close friend or family member—these are people who care about your well-being, and chances are they’ll want to step up to offer a helping hand.
Consult a pro
If you can’t shake the feeling of regret or resentment towards being a mom, it's critical to seek help from a professional to keep things from getting worse. A skilled therapist can provide you
with practical tools to manage your feelings and also flag any underlying mental health conditions. Working through your negative feelings around motherhood can lead to a better quality of life for both you and your little one.
Asking for help takes courage and is the first step towards finding more joy as a mom—and getting the right support can transform your parenting journey for the better. Send us an email so we can offer you the help you need.
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.