Why is Marriage So Hard After Having a Baby?
Why is Marriage So Hard After Having a Baby?
You have everything you’ve always dreamed of––an adorable new little baby and a loving partner to support you on your journey through parenthood. Everything looks picture-perfect from the outside, but on the inside?
Not so much.
You thought adding a baby to your family would bring you closer and increase your affection for one another. Instead, you’re fighting with your spouse more than you ever did in your pre-baby life together. You know you love them, but you also notice a strong feeling of resentment creeping in.
So, what’s the deal? Why is marriage so hard after having a baby? And what can you do to make things a little less Sid and Nancy, and a little more June and Ward Cleaver?
Expectations vs. reality
A lot of the difficulties in a marriage after having a baby stem from a mismatch between expectations and reality. And sadly, that mismatch often comes from the stigma surrounding openly talking about marriage struggles. Many couples feel ashamed to admit to their friends and families that they’re having problems, or that they’re anything less than over-the-moon about their growing family. So they put on happy faces and smile for the cameras, perpetuating the myth that all married couples are content in their new baby bliss.
This has the unfortunate effect of making couples feel isolated in their marriage troubles, believing that no one else is experiencing the same thing they are.
Different experiences of birth and non-birth parents
Another factor that can make marriage hard after having a baby is the different experiences of the birth and non-birth parent. The birth parent may feel like the burden of child-rearing is solely on their shoulders, while the non-birth parent may feel excluded or even jealous that they don’t have a more active role.
With the birth parent having gone through the physical process of childbirth, and potentially breastfeeding the baby, they often become the “default” parent––and the other parent may feel like more of an assistant than an equal partner in caring for their child.
This division can quickly lead to feelings of resentment on both sides, with one parent feeling like they’re doing everything, and the other parent feeling like they’re not permitted to do more.
Interference from grandparents
Ah, grandparents. They mean so well, and we’re so lucky to have them in our kids’ lives. But as much as we adore them, they can sometimes get a bit too involved, which can become another thing for you and your partner to argue about.
Grandparents like to think that they know best––after all, they raised you, and you turned out okay, right? Unfortunately, this often means that their particular parenting beliefs may be at odds with yours.
You and your spouse may be aligned on decisions like sleep training or baby-led weaning––but a few choice words from your parents can throw a wrench into your plans, and create a divide in your relationship.
Try and work together to support each other, determine what is right for your kids and family and then communicate that to the grandparents as a united front.
Take the lead and set boundaries with your parents from the get-go. If you have expectations around their involvement (or non-involvement), make them clear, so there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings. As parents, you have the final say on what will work and what won't for your child. Hold that line and make sure your wishes are respected.
Different perspectives on parenting
A lot of couples assume they share the same views on parenting, only to realize that they have very different opinions after the baby arrives. How your own parents raised you, where you grew up, or what your friends do with their kids can all contribute to your personal parenting beliefs. Your religious or cultural background may also dictate certain values that don’t mesh with your partner’s traditions.
All these pieces that make up our identities play a role in what we think a parent should or shouldn’t do. And when these deeply ingrained values don’t line up with those of our partner, arguments and frustration are bound to pop up.
What can you do to improve your marriage after having a baby?
So now we know some reasons that marriage is so hard after having a baby. And although it’s inevitable that conflict will arise, it’s worth it to work on nurturing and repairing your relationship.
As is typically the case, the best defence is a good offence. If you’re expecting a baby, take the time to talk openly about your expectations with your partner, and address any concerns your partner expresses. Find some common ground surrounding your parenting styles so you can present a united partnership once your baby arrives.
If you’ve already had your baby and notice the strain on your marriage, don’t lose hope––there are plenty of strategies you can learn to strengthen your relationship. Having a professional guide you through marriage counselling is a proven solution for getting your marriage back on solid ground. Even just a few sessions can make a tremendous difference.
If you want to take the first steps towards a happier marriage as you navigate the tricky world of parenting, send us an email and let us know how we can help.
*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.