What to say to someone who has experienced a pregnancy loss or baby loss.
Check in often
So often when someone is going through a loss people get scared. They are afraid to ‘bother’ the person or fear doing the wrong thing. The worst thing you can do in fact is to leave the grieving person alone which makes the person feel alone and that no one can tolerate their grief, that their grief is too much too bear. So reach out and reach out often.
2. Ask them about their baby
Too often after a loss, we don’t ask the mourner about their lost loved one, fearing it will make the person feel sad. The misunderstanding here is that the person is already feeling sad and if you don’t create space to talk about their loss, they will not feel any better. They will feel that their feelings are too much for others to tolerate. So don’t be afraid to ask them about their baby, their hopes, their dreams, what it was like to hold her (if they got to), what name they had in mind for him or gave him. If they don’t want to talk about their baby, they will let you know but will appreciate the opportunity to honour his realness.
3. Let them cry
Our society has taught us to fear tears. We try to keep things light and positive. But being able to share one’s tears with someone else is healing and crying acts as a release. Ask them how they are doing and create space for them to share their hard feelings and release their tears. Creating that space and safety for them is the biggest gift you can give someone experiencing a loss.
4. Ask them how they want to be supported
Ask the person how you can support them. Sometimes people have clear ideas of what they need but no one has asked them. You can be prepared with suggestions (help create a mourning ritual with them, bring them a meal, spend time with them), but defer to them as the expert on their own process.
5. Don’t offer silver linings
This one is about what not to do. Don’t offer platitudes and silver linings. Do not start a sentence with ‘at least’. i.e.- at least you know you can get pregnant. Silver linings only serve to diminish someone’s feelings of profound loss and to invalidate them.
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*This information is not therapeutic advice and is the opinion of these authors and is not in lieu of mental health support from a licensed clinician in your area. If you are struggling, please reach out to a licensed mental health worker in your area.